Goodbye.

Hannah Grace Ivy '02 - '20

I'd like to start by thanking my mum. She's tried so hard to stop doing her abusive behaviour. Unfortunately, I won't ever be able to trust anyone to not hurt me again. I get flashbacks that make any conflict painful for me.

I'd like to thank Erin for being there for me. She was caring all of the time, and never dissapointed me. She can't discuss many of my deepest feelings with me; they're now triggers, and I deeply apologise if I have caused trauma.

I'd also like to thank Ava for having such deep and meaningful discussions with me, and for being so understsanding and empathetic. Similar goes to Nina, Paris, and Eden.

I'd like to thank everyone in Brolga and Redbank AAU. And everyone on APT, and NZMUN. And all of my close friends, including but not limited to, Eugene, Alice, Grace, Luka, Maddy, Chloe, Michelle, Chae, Rhianna, Dani, and countless, countless more.

Fuck my school. The monolith, yes, but also the admin. Anderson was a brick wall and eroded my mental health. Harman degraded it further, making me dissociate to never before seen levels. I can move schools, but that'll be hard and hurt. I can do TAFE, but I'll feel like I wasted my time doing accelerated subjects. I can go to Bradfield College, but a year late.

Fuck the mental health system. I knew my discharge date was wrong. The valuation of possible "closed doors" over real risk to my life was incredibly myopic. That I had to fight to get admission was also wrong. Redbank was better in this regard, but psychiatrists interrupted me, spoke over me, and the registrar even placed undue blame on me just to prove their point.

Fuck unnecessary paperwork. I shouldn't have to fight to get my youth allowance. People shouldn't have to wait to be let in to refuges. The mental health plan shouldn't be limited to 10 a year. The one for people with eating disorders shouldn't have weight criteria.

I have a lot of good things. I'd go to a music festival soon. I'd see friends I haven't seen in months soon. I'd see my new school, I'd not have to see Normanhurst, I'd move out. That's all soon. Just not soon enough.

I keep collections of masks upon my wall
To try and stop myself from revealing it all
Affecting others is the last thing I would do
I keep to myself though I want to break through

- prom queen, mxmtoon

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

- Resumè, Dorothy Parker